Losing My Cool

by | Jul 17, 2010 | family, frustration, God, me

I totally embarassed myself Thursday night.  I lost my cool (if I ever had it in the first place). 

I guess the reason I feel compelled to write about it, is because I’m trying to be “real,” maybe authentic and transparent.  I can remember our daughter Ali saying to me once not that long ago, “Mom, you’re so perfect and you never do anything wrong.”  I knew then, at that very moment, that I had to be more “real” with her, and that she had to see me with different eyes.  I’m in no way perfect…I have so many flaws, and they sometimes get me so down because I can’t seem to overcome them.  Thursday night one of them took control of my actions…my over-competitiveness.
My over-competitiveness has gotten me in trouble many times…yelling at our daughter to quit playing “mediocre volleyball” WHILE she was on the court playing…getting overly angry at a player on the opposing team in any sport who has treated one of my children or childrens’ teammates wrong…yelling our son on the sideline of the soccer field WHILE he was playing to “get aggressive”…being a little more verbal than I should be watching sports, etc.  Thursday night I did something similar.
Ok…here it goes…(big sigh)
We went to watch my nephew, Adam, who plays baseball on our town’s pony league team at his game Thursday night.  He’s a great catcher…I was so impressed!  I couldn’t help but be proud of him.  He played a great game.  The opposing team throughout the entire game was cheering rather loudly from the dugout each time their team was up at bat, and by the 5th inning, I think we all about had enough of their loudness and cheering (jeering).  It was to the point of unsportsmanlike conduct.  So at this point, I was already “on edge” from the so-called cheering.  Our team was ahead most of the game until about that inning.
Our team made a play at first base, and the other team’s runner on 3rd was heading for home.  Our first baseman threw a perfect throw to Adam at home plate, and as I was watching this unfold, I thought to myself as the runner was running at full steam right towards Adam, “He’s going to get hurt!”  As the runner collided into Adam at home plate, the umpire called the runner safe.  Adam was lying flat on the ground.  What????  Safe???? How in the world could he have been safe? I came out of my chair, as many others did and yelled at the ump, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”  No only once, but about three times.  (Others were yelling too, but I have no idea what, because I think I was the loudest.)  Adam was still on the ground.  I was angry, mad and concerned for Adam.

I heard my brother Pat say, “Julie.  Julie, sit down.”  I then realized, I was way out of control and certainly did need to sit down.  I was so upset, I was shaking.  I sat down, repented, and apologized to my family around me.  Ugh…I did it again.  I let my competitive side of me take over.  Will I ever learn?

Adam eventually did get up, but he was hurt.  He finished the game in pain.  My brother and sister-in-law took him to the ER that evening for his thumb, as he couldn’t move it and thought it could be broken.  Thankfully it wasn’t. 

Will I ever be able to control this side of me?  I get so tired of it…and I get tired of embarassing myself.  The only way I will ever overcome this is with the Lord’s help.  I didn’t pray before the game, and I know myself well enough that I need to do that to keep my mouth and attitude in check and be able to honor God in those circumstances.  I repented and asked God to forgive me, and I know I’ve been forgiven.  This is something I will continue to rely on the Lord to help me with.
Thankfully, God is faithful, even when I’m not.
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