Love Language #2: Quality Time

by | Aug 25, 2009 | love, relationships

This is the third post in a series about The Five Love Languages. Read my Sunday, 8/23 post for more information and click on the title above to visit The Five Love Languages website.

When it comes to the second love language, I am an expert! I am because it’s my primary love language…Quality Time! Learning that this was my love language explained a whole lot to me about the way I act, the way I see things, and they ways I feel loved and unloved.

Quality Time means giving someone your undivided attention. Not sitting on the couch watching t.v.–the t.v. has your attention, not the person you are with–but sitting on the couch looking at each other and talking, giving the other person your undivided attention. It means taking a walk together or going out to eat together, looking at each other and talking.

Dr. Gary Chapman says that the central aspect of Quality Time is togetherness. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when they are in the same room, in the same house…they may be in close proximity, but may not be “together.” When something is taking one or both person’s attention, that is not togetherness, nor is it quality time. “A husband and wife playing tennis together, if it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game but on the fact that they are spending time together,” he says.

If someone wants to show me that I am important to them, all he/she needs to do is spend time with me…talking, sharing, doing things together. Bill has learned this over the years. He makes an effort to at some point during the week to remove ourselves from everything else and spend time alone with each other. Nothing makes me feel more important than when he suggests we go out for coffee, or to the winery, or out for a salad, etc.

My friend Jeanie knows this about me also. We try to reconnect over lunch or coffee a couple times a month. She knows time with her makes me feel important and appreciated. Tina’s primary love language is Quality Time also. We will begin again our weekly meetings together since school is back in session for our kids. We meet for lunch or breakfast each week, and when we do, we easily can spend two hours together. It’s valuable time for both of us to feel connected with each other again, and to give of our time to each other. We both understand that is important to each of us. And honestly, I feel honored that I am important enough to Tina that she would want to spend that time with me! 🙂

What’s involved in Quality Time?
Quality Conversation: Talking and listening…1) Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. 2) Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time (this can really hurt Quality Time people, like myself). 3) Listen for feelings. 4) Observe body language. 5) Refuse to interrupt (interrupting says to the other that what he/she is saying is unimportant).

Quality Activities: May include anything in which one or both of you has an interest…gardening, visiting flea markets, shopping, picnicking together, taking long walks, washing the car together, sitting on the deck together watching the sunset, etc. Dr Chapman says, “One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead….Those are memories of love, especially for the people whose primary love language is Quality Time.”

I also feel like I am a better mom and feel a genuine love from my children when I spend quality time with them. I need time with Ali and Zach to feel like I am a good mom for them.

I have figured out who my customers are who are Quality Time people. They are in no hurry for me to leave their home when I stop by, and they want time to reconnect with me and to carry on a lengthy conversation with me. I totally understand them, and appreciate that they want that time with me! 🙂

How should you communicate with someone who has the love language of Quality Time? One-on-one time, without interrupting or interruptions, and face-to-face conversation. Actions? Take long walks together, do things together, take trips. What to avoid? Long periods of being apart, and more time spent with other people than with spouse.

Is your love language Quality Time? Who in your life has this as theirs? They just are wanting time with you…can you make some time for them today or soon? Trust me…it’ll be worth it! Tomorrow we’ll talk about Receiving Gifts…another one of my love languages! 🙂

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